i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
