did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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