I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
