seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
