Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
