Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
