I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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