I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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