My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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