my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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