He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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