i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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