i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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