Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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