i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
