i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
