Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
