Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
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Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Boobs are out for the taking
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
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painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize