I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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