as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
