Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
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The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
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I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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