and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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