I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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