Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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