My boss' voice literally gives me gas
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
