We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
