there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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