Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
