Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
