you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
