i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
