mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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