So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
