Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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