If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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