what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
