i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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