turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
