my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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