Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
