that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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