I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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