I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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