yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
