I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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