so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
