ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
