Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
