If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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