I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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