if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
