I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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