Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
