I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
