I got chris browned last night
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
