Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
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